


He Can Be Happy (Unlike Me)

by BisexuelleWhoLikesToSwitch



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, But Evans in love with Zoe, Come on, Connor being hopeful, Connor getting bullied, Connor getting mad, Connor killing himself, Connor pining after Evan, Connor reading Evans letter, F/M, He deserves happiness, I hope you cry just like i did, I shouldn't have written this, JUST HAVE SOMETHING GOOD IN HIS LIFE, Jealous Connor, M/M, No Fluff, Nothing Happy, Okay ughh lets properly tag this, Pills, Pining, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, The first part of DEH from Connor's POV, This is really so sad, Ughhh Im so sorry for this, What i thoroughly believe happened, Why Connor killed himsef, angst angst and more angst, goDAMMIT WHY CANT CONNOR, im actually crying, only angst, ugh okay lets get on with this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 12:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11828670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BisexuelleWhoLikesToSwitch/pseuds/BisexuelleWhoLikesToSwitch
Summary: It's Senior Year, and Connor just wants things to be different.





	He Can Be Happy (Unlike Me)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so so so so sorry but I had to write this

   Connor sighed, not really listening to his family talking around him. His mother said something about Senior Year starting up, and Zoe accused him of being high (which he wasn't, he just didn't care what his family was saying) and his family sighing around him and being overall disappointed in his every move.

   Pretty much a normal day in the Murphy household. But Connor wasn't thinking about his dysfunctional family, no no no, he was think about the same thing he'd been think of all summer. Or, rather, who.

   Evan Hansen.

   Connor couldn't get him out of his mind. Evan was so cute, and Connor didn't know how he'd never seen or noticed it before. But now that he saw it, he couldn't stop thinking about Evan.

   And here was his chance. Senior Year or whatever. He could talk to Evan and they could... become friends or something. Or maybe more, if Connor was lucky.

   He just needed someone. Someone like Evan. He knew it was stupid and irrational, pinning all his hopes on one probably straight guy. But what other choice did he have?

   Talk to his dad? His dad didn't understand him and wasn't even sure how to talk to Connor, let alone help him.

   Talk to his mother? She would try to hard and it wouldn't work out for either of them.

   Talk to Zoe? Connor almost laughed aloud. Zoe hated him. And, honestly, he didn't blame her. If he tried to talk to her, she'd shut him out, thinking he was messing with her.

   His prefect little sister, who was better at him then everything and always got what she wanted. She never did anything wrong and was everything Connor wasn't.

   He couldn't talk to shrinks or counselors. They never knew how to help him. It was always more pills and more therapy. Connor couldn't take any more of that crap.

   He went to school and saw Evan. He prepared to go up and talk to him, but that stupid idiot Jared Kleinman started making fun of him and he just... snapped.

   God, he snapped at Evan, too. Evan probably thought he was a freak. A freak who was always angry and swore too much.

   But, still, he tried again. The second time was still tense but Connor managed a few good things. Like signing Evan's cast. Albeit he probably wrote his name a little _too_ large, but Evan didn't complain.

   And it made Connor feel like Evan was his.

   So, yeah, everything went fine until Connor saw Evan's letter. 

   Well, more specifically Zoe's name in Evan's letter. Connor quickly skimmed through the paragraph and the realization struck him like lightning.

    _Evan Hansen was in love with_   _Zoe._

Zoe Murphy. His perfect little sister. Why wouldn't he be? Zoe was great. She was just great. Kind and loving and nice and didn't do drugs or wear weird clothes or have unruly hair or hate herself. She was everything Connor wasn't and he knew it. So why shouldn't Evan be in love with her?

   They'd make a cute couple. 

   God, Connor could feel himself breaking. He was sure he might start crying, right here in front of Evan.

   Oh, right, Evan's still there. Connor snapped at Evan, getting incredibly defensive and doing the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. He stormed out of the computer room, away from Evan, away from school, away from Zoe, away from everything.

   He couldn't continue this. He just couldn't do it anymore! It was too much, all too much. Evan was his last chance, his  _last chance._

What could he do now? What was the point of living?

   There it was, that nagging voice that had been there for too long. The one telling him he mattered to no one, that he wasn't important, that's he'd never do anything, that's he'd always be a screw up.

   That no one would ever love him. He'd be alone all his life. 

   Hold on, he couldn't give up hope! Maybe he could go back, apologize to Evan, tell him he'd over reacted, say it had just been a long summer and invite him out for coffee after school so they could talk. He'd rather have a friend then nothing.

   Hell, Connor was willing to talk about Zoe with Evan, even set them up if it meant Evan would talk to him.

   But what if Evan left him after that? What if he only hung out with Connor to get close to Zoe? Connor couldn't handle that. He would actually kill himself.

   Connor mulled the idea over in his head. Would it really be such a bad option? I mean, who was he leaving behind? A family that was better off without him and a school full of kids that either didn't know him or didn't care.

   The idea suddenly seemed like the best, and there weren't any other good options. So Connor went to his house and found all the pills he hadn't been taking. 

    _You just need more pills._

   I'll show everyone more pills, Connor thought.

   Just as he was about to down the pills, heard paper crumble in his pocket. Confused, he reached in and pulled out Evan's letter. He read over it, and again, and again, until it became painfully obvious how... not okay Evan was.

   Like, really not okay. Like, "Connor" not okay. 

   Connor had to help Evan. Somehow. There must be some way.

   Could he call the police?

   And say what? Hello, while I was fighting with my crush, I accidentally saw proof he was in love with my sister so I ran home and now I'm about to kill myself because I can't take living anymore, but don't try to rescue me, I need you to help my friend.

   No, no, no! How was he supposed to help Evan? He needed help, Connor was already too far gone, but Evan.

   Evan could be okay.

   Connor closed his eyes. He could see it now. Evan, 10 years from now, after graduating college and meeting the love of his life and getting married, sitting with his partner (who wasn't Connor, he painfully reminded himself) with maybe some kids or an animal of sorts running around. Evan having a job he likes and being... happy.

   Connor took one last look at the note. He stuffed of back in his pocket. If he couldn't tell someone, they'd have to just find it.

   Connor hesitated only a moment as he held the blue pills up to his mouth- maybe he could be helped? But the thought was washed away as Connor downed the pills.

   His last coherent thought was a hope that Evan would be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> ALTERNATE ENDING: EVAN GOES TO CONNOR'S HOUSE AND SAVES HIM AND THY FALL IN LOVE AND ARE HAPPY AND GET MARRIED AND ZOE CARRIES THEIR BABY AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END


End file.
